Sex Offenders Groom Their Victims

Acquaintance Sex Offenders often ‘groom’ their victims prior to any sexual abuse for a period of weeks, months or even years. When the parent(s) is physically or emotionally absent it makes the child the most vulnerable to a sex offenders cunning tactics.

Grooming activities include, but are not restricted to the following.

o Befriending and gaining trust with the parent(s)–especially single women. The sex offender offers to watch the child so the single mother or parents can have a ‘free’ night out; or provide fun activities–taking the child away from the home. During these activities the sex offender deepens the grooming activities–touching the child in ways that are seemingly inocuous… yet sexual in nature. Such as hugging often, touching her buttocks, putting his hand on her leg, kissing her on the cheek and exculating to kissing her on the mouth. At any stage of the grooming process if she protests he apologizes to quiet her discomfort. He knows he will gain acceptance again, if the protest is weak or she readily accepts the apology.

The sex offender is keenly aware that the child needs to be controlled to the extent he/she can sexually abuse the child without fear of disclosure. This manipulation may be obtained in many ways: favors, threats, guilt, shame, ‘This is our secret,’ ‘If you tell anyone, they won’t believe you,’ ‘You can’t tell, I will lose my job, ‘You know you wanted to do this too. You could have stopped any time.’ Thus, making the child equally responsible for the sexual activity.

Other ways Sex Offenders gain access to children:

o Securing jobs and participating in community events that involve children. Then, befriending those who the most vulnerable.

o Volunteering to coach children’s sports, thus, having opportunities to befriend the parents and then groom the child.

o Attending sporting events for children, thus, learning which parents are absent during the game. Offering to give the child a ride home.

o Volunteering in youth organizations, volunteering to chaperone overnight trips.

o Frequently being in places children socialize – playgrounds, malls, game arcades, etc. Befriending the child, who projects loneliness, offering to buy them treats or small items of interest.

o Engaging in Internet gaming and social web sites, learning the online interests and lingo of tweens and teens. Befriending those who seem to be seeking attention, love and affection.

o Being foster parents. It is foolhardy to assume someone, who is married with children would be less likely to be a sex offender. Sex offenders might only sexually abuse other’s children and not their own. Thus, sex offenders will become a foster parent to have ready access to children. If the foster child is returned to his/her parent(s), or an adoptive family, another child will soon need foster parents.

Grooming can be done in the presence of others, often without the other person recognizing the intent of the behavior.

A mother revealed her husband played a tickling game with their three-year-old son. The rule of the game was to play with Daddy and have fun-the son was instructed to tickle his father’s nipples while sitting in a straddled position over his father’s nude body from the waist up. The object of this game was, ‘Make daddy laugh.’ Of course, the father could withhold laughing until he experienced the sexual stimulation he desired. When the mother objected to this game, the father admonished her for being jealous of his time with their son.

Another mother was horrified when her three-year old daughter asked her to play the ‘pee-pee’ game. She asked her daughter to explain this game. Her daughter lay on her back on the floor; legs spread and said, “Touch my ‘pee-pee,’ Mommy, that is what Daddy does.”

Fathers frequently cuddle in bed with their daughters in a spoon position, arm across their mid-body with only underware or pajamas on. Several clients have reported feeling their father’s penis against their legs or back, while not knowing what to do-as they wanted their father’s affection-they didn’t like the feeling of his genitals against their body. This cuddling seems harmless, most mothers reason. The women also reported sexual abuse occurred sometime later. Was the cuddling in bed a form of grooming or was the cuddling an ill advised way to show affection with the child that unwittingly led to subsequent sexual abuse? In either belief; the damage is done.

In a study of twenty adult sex offenders conducted by Jon Cote, Steven Wolf and Tim Smith; two of the key questions asked were:

1. “Was there something about the child’s behavior which attracted you to the child?”

o “The warm and friendly child or the vulnerable child. Friendly, showed me their panties.”

o “The way the child would look at me, trustingly.”

o “The child who was teasing me, smiling at me, asking me to do favors.”

o “Someone who had been a victim before [sexual abuse or spankings], quiet, withdrawn, compliant. Someone, who had not been, a victim would be more non-accepting of the sexual language or stepping over the boundaries of modesty. Quieter, easier to manipulate, less likely to object or put up a fight… goes along with things.”

2. “After you had identified a potential victim, what did you do to engage the child into sexual contact?” The responses included:

o “I didn’t say anything. It was at night, and she was in bed asleep.”

o “Talking, spending time with them, being around them at bedtime, being around them in my underwear, sitting down on the bed with them. Constantly evaluating the child’s reaction… A lot of touching, hugging, kissing, snuggling.” [Desensitizing the child with appropriate behavior.]

o “Playing, talking, giving special attention, trying to get the child to initiate contact with me… Get the child to feel safe to talk with me. From here I would initiate different kinds of contact, such as touching the child’s back, head… Testing the child to see how much she would take before she would pull away.”

o “Isolate them from other people. Once alone, I would make a game of it (red light, green light with touching up their leg until they said stop). Making it fun.”

o “Most of the time I would start by giving them a rub down. When I got them aroused, I would take the chance and place my hand on their penis to masturbate them. If they would not object, I would take this to mean it was okay… I would isolate them. I might spend the night with them. Physical isolation, closeness, contact are more important than verbal seduction.”

Many of my clients have reported their sexual abuse grooming started when they showered with a parent-or the parent/caretaker washed the child’s genital area with bare hands and soap long past the stage a child needed assistance to cleanse their genital area. While for some this activity was the extent of the covert sexual contact, but for others it evolved into overt sexual abuse. Even though the activity was only ‘rubbing’ the genital area ostensibly for bathing purposes, many people suffered classic aftereffects of sexual abuse.

How? You might ask, would the child experience sexual abuse by having their genital area washed with bare hands and soap? The answer is simple. At birth, children are complete neurological sexual beings, who can experience erotic sensation, although they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive. Furthermore, the child experiences the adult’s physiology, which has sexual overtones, thus although the child doesn’t have a name for the experience the child knows his/her body is responding in a unfamiliar manner and the experience with the adults is unfamiliar. Within the definition of sexual abuse it is abuse, “If a child cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse she/he has been violated.”

Grooming or sexual abuse activities also include:

o Playing pool tag-when the child is tagged ‘Playfully’ pulling the child’s swimsuit down.

o Pulling her panties down without her permission.

o Male holding a child on his lap while he has an erection.

o Kissing the child in a way that is sexual for the giver and inappropriate for the child.

o Seemingly innocuous touching, caressing, wrestling, tickling or playing, which has sexual overtones or meaning for the other person.

o Adult treats the child as an equal/peer, pseudo or surrogate spouse.

o Teacher/coach or activity leader befriends a child in the guise of helping him/her with studies and/or sports.

Unique and less frequently reported grooming activities:

o Male demonstrates and instructs the child how to suck on a peeled banana without breaking or putting teeth marks on it. Once the child has complied and masters the skill; this activity is shifted to his penis-often using the con-“I have a big banana between my legs, you can suck on it.”

o Male initiates a game of ‘sucking the jelly’ out of my big toe. Once the child has complied and understands the ‘game.’ This activity is shifted to his penis.

o Invading a child’s privacy, such as entering the bathroom or bedroom without knocking, catching her/him unaware or indisposed. This invasion is a power play-disempowering their victim-indoctrinating the child to comply with the adult’s authority and control in all situations and circumstances.

o Enemas or frequent inspection of the child’s genitals ostensibly for health reasons.

In the thirty plus years I have worked with sexual abuse survivors in the healing process, I have discovered a child is rarely subjected to only one type of sexual abuse. Furthermore, I have learned the sad truth about the human mind’s ability to seemingly conceive of endless ways to sexually abuse children.

Saying “No” to “Touching My Private Parts” – Not Enough to Protect Your Child from Sex Offenders

The majority of parents do a good job teaching their children to beware of strangers. Yet most victims of child sexual abuse know the sex offender.

In a study of twenty adult sex offenders conducted by Jon Conte, Steven Wolf and Tim Smith; two of the key questions asked were:

1. “Was there something about the child’s behavior which attracted you to the child?”

Responses included:

o “The warm and friendly child or the vulnerable child…Friendly, showed me their panties.”

o “The way the child would look at me, trustingly.”

o “The child who was teasing me, smiling at me, asking me to do favors.”

o “Someone who had been a victim before–[spanking or inappropriate touch]–quiet, withdrawn, compliant. Someone, who had not been a victim would be more non-accepting of the sexual language or stepping over the boundaries of modesty… Quieter, easier to manipulate, less likely to object or put up a fight…goes along with things.”

2. “After you had identified a potential victim, what did you do to engage the child into sexual contact?

Responses included:

o “I didn’t say anything. It was at night, and she was asleep.

o “Talking, spending time with them, being around them at bedtime, being around them in my underwear, sitting down on the bed with them… Constantly evaluating the child’s reaction… A lot of touching, hugging, kissing, snuggling.”

o “Playing, talking, giving special attention, trying to get the child to initiate contact with me… From here I would initiate different kinds of contact, such as touching the child’s back, head… Testing the child to see how much she would take before she would pull away.

o “Isolate them from any other people. Once alone, I would make a game of it (red light, green light with touching up their leg until they said stop). Making it fun.”

o “Most of the time I would start by giving them a rub down. When I got them aroused, I would take the chance and place my hand on their penis to masturbate them. If they would not object, I would take this to mean it was Okay… I would isolate them. I might spend the night with them… Physical isolation, closeness, contact are more important than verbal seduction.”

We cannot ignore the sophistication of sex offenders’ efforts to desensitize the child through the gradual development of a relationship with the child and progressing from non-sexual touch (touching a leg, back or head) to sexual touch. Given that 95-99 percent of sex offenders are people their victims know and trust–family members and other trusted adults–even children as young as two can be taught to know what to do to protect him/herself.

For a child who has been taught only to say, “No’ to touching his/her private parts–one of the consequences of this relationship building and desensitization process is self-blame. By the time the child realizes that his/her private parts were touched–the damage is done–and the child may believe he/she has given consent to the abuse. He/she thinks because he/she did not say, “No” when the adult rubbed her/his back or head, he/she is to blame. It only takes one second for a sex offender to stick his tongue into a child’s mouth when he is giving a ‘traditional family’ kiss on the lips. It only takes one second for a sex offender to put his hand up a girl’s leg and touch a child’s labia while she sits on his lap.

Studies reveal that teaching a child to say, “No” has little impact because it is rare a child will affect more than weak resistance against a known sex offender. Furthermore, the sex offender will usually ignore a simple, “No.” The sex offender uses subtle or blatant threats, intimidating the child into compliance and silence.

My book, If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, emphasizes six important prevention techniques.

o Non-violation of sacred Body boundaries–to thwart the sex offender who counts on–a child who has been violated before–quiet, withdrawn, compliant. Someone, who had not been a victim, would be more non-accepting of the sexual language or stepping over the boundaries of modesty… Quieter, easier to manipulate, less likely to object or put up a fight…goes along with things.”

o Good, Appropriate Touch

o Appropriate Body Boundaries

o Good Body Image

o Tell Mommy and Daddy Everything–No Secrets Rule

o Appropriate Suspicion

Appropriate Suspicion (intuition, a.k.a. sixth sense) alone when acted upon empowers the child to thwart the majority of would-be sex offenders. Coupled with the other five techniques–your child is well prepared to stop every sex offender in their tracks.

Trusting and acting on your intuition or sixth sense and allowing your child to trust his/her intuition is paramount to protecting children from sex offenders, no matter whether they are family members, family friends, doctors, dentists, teachers, etc. Children are naturally intuitive and often sense an adult’s ulterior motives, although you may not suspect anything.

We need to accept the reality that no one can be considered exempt from being a sex offender, including all family members. As a parent, be appropriately suspicious and trust your intuition. If you err in evaluating a situation, make the error on the side of your child. The important factor is not that you have avoided offending someone, but that you have protected your child, until you can investigate further.

The title of my book, If I’d Only Known… is the lament of my friend’s daughter whose three-year-old son was sexually abused by her step-mother’s ten-year-old son. If only I had known that he would potentially abuse other children because he was sexually abused, I would never have let John play in the backyard alone with him.” She was right, if only parents knew the fact that sexual abuse is perpetrated, ‘anywhere, anytime, and by someone you least expect, they could protect children from this heinous crime.

 

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Adult Sex Fantasy – 3 Reasons Why She Doesn’t Want to Try That Experimental Orgasm Technique

Bringing up the subject of sex fantasies can be intimidating. Even men who are usually dominant socially find themselves stuttering and murmuring whenever they suggest anything beyond the missionary position. There is something about a quiet, not confident voice that just says ‘wimp’ to women. At best it shows that you are only confident in certain situations: not an attractive trait!

The first thing that all men have to work on is their voice. Confidence and sex-appeal come from men who know exactly what they want and how to get it. Communicate directly about sex and be honest about what sexual fantasy scenarios turn you on. This kind of communication gets your message across and she will respect you a lot more!

I Want to Try This Fantasy, Why Won’t She Let Me?

There are many reasons why women don’t want to try certain fantasies. One of the key ones is that she worries that you will consider it degrading or slutty if she says ‘yes’. This is one key thing that it is never too early in your relationship to make sure that she understands: nothing that she could possibly say will alter your perception of her. I also make sure that she feels that her sexual side is as valued as her classy side. Understanding that she has both sides to her personality will go a long way in making sure that you have a strong relationship and great sex.

A lot of men forget that sex fantasies are not just about them: there are two people involved! This can come as shocking news to many guys as they have some crazy ideas that they don’t believe women could possibly enjoy. If you are doing any sex fantasy correctly then it should be pleasurable for her and for you. If you do anal sex correctly it should stimulate a lot of erogenous zones in the vagina. Likewise bondage can be about dominance and giving complete control to someone else, which can be erotic if done correctly.

Being A Sex Master

Generally women like men who are in control and know what they are doing. A guy who stumbles through a sex act, not really knowing what is going on is not just un-manly, but also potentially dangerous. Whoever is playing the dominant role in a sex fantasy must know exactly what is happening at each stage of the fantasy. If a fantasy gets out of hand and you lose control, you must stop it immediately. This is your responsibility.

The great thing about sex fantasy is that it is a celebration of the two of you and your relationship. You can show each other your most sexual, uninhibited sides and know that your partner will love that side of you. Make sure that it remains mutually enjoyable and soon you will be having the kind of sex that you only fantasized about.

Adult Dating – Better Sex Better Orgasms and More Romance

Here are some adult dating tips for better sex and better orgasms. Adult dating , or courtship as it was called in the old days, is a way of getting to know each other. Here is a sure way to score points on a date. Be nice, show some respect, and be fun to be with.

If you make it too obvious that all you want from your date is to get lucky you are putting too much pressure on yourself. This is going to blow your chances of getting anywhere . Your date already knows if you are going to get lucky or not.

So you want your date to be a success, yes? These adult dating tips will help.

Tip one. You do not have to have sex on the first date. However it could happen that you both “click” and sex naturally happens. It is not planned but is more spontaneous as a result of the attraction between both of you. Sex is fine then. But don’t force it. You might want to get to know each other better.

Tip two. If you are a guy it is nice if you pay for the first date. You do not have to pay for every date. But paying for the first date makes her feel kind of special.

Tip three. Don’t fall in love with your first date. Shop around and compare the qualities of the person.You do not have to marry the first date that comes along. Shop around like you do for shoes. You’ll know a good catch when you find one.

Tip four. Make your date fun. The fact is that dates can lead to seduction. Pay attention and put some effort into it. Make sure you smell nice. Make sure you look nice. And give your date a little bit of yourself. The real you inside of yourself.

Tip five. Be yourself. Don’t lie and try be something your not. This only wastes your energy and paints a false picture in the mind of your date. Be yourself and like it. This is an inner feeling that will attract the opposite sex.

Adult dating and adult sex is fun. It is a pleasure of life. Through dating you can find someone nice to share your time with. Commonsense with dating pays dividends and will make your relationship go a long way.

Why Adult Toys Are Not Bad Either

There have been leftovers of the free love generation who have managed to survive and the great thing is that in recent times there has been a sexual revival of sorts in America. A good example of this is that in the past 5 years or more, America has witnessed a baby boom, women once more want to be pregnant and have babies. This time though people are a tad wiser and mindful in their approach to sexual exploration. This has also meant that the once struggling sex toys industry is now able to breathe a sigh of relief. Even the most adamant people who refused to use such products as a means to derive extra sexual pleasure are not turning towards sex toys and no longer believe that adult toys are a social taboo. Yet there will always remain some people who will think that adult sex toys are not a good thing to use.

The reason for neglecting or brushing aside sex toys like a vibrator is mainly because of a misunderstanding about the uses and ramifications of such products. They would think that sex enhancement products simply undermine their self confidence of being able to satisfy their opposite sex in bed. While some others are of the view that adult toys are limited to extreme versions of fetishism. Well it would not be an understatement to say that both these conclusions are from the truth.

As we just mentioned earlier in the article that people from every walk of life are accepting the use of adult sex toys is not bad and therefore manufacturers are coming up with a wide range of products to suit the needs and wishes of consumers. Surely there are many products that experienced people can use but there are also quite a few products that cater to the needs of a novice user.

Major sex toy industry players are well aware of the fact that consumers want to keep their toys discrete. Therefore manufactures do design a number of products keeping this in mind. Today the vibrator is designed to look similar to a lipstick container plus lubes are described using terms such as ‘relaxation’ instead of using any explicit sexual terminology. Adult toys are not designed in a discrete manner so that when purchasing one the consumer feels as comfortable as when they are buying chocolates.

Now that your fears regarding buying and using sex toys has been addressed let us move to the question of the effect such products can have on an existing relationship. Till not a couple of decades ago the use of sex toys showed the person in poor light and it was suggested as an act of fetishism. In recent times though adult toys have entered the bedrooms of millions of couples looking to find that extra bit of pleasure in their sex life. Such toys are certainly a great way to explore hidden and never before tapped erotic relationship between two people. Surely sex toys will not lead to a division between couples, and are often a source that brings about new and exciting romantic situations.